Is it possible to have healed “too much” after a bad romantic experience? Adrienne, 29, from New York, thinks so. She explains that her tolerance for waiting to see if a romantic connection will become serious is now very low. “I’m no longer willing to stick something out if I feel like what’s in front of me is not 100% what I want,” she says, attributing this to a heightened sense of self-prioritization.
The Concept of Over-Healing
Healing is typically seen as becoming well after an injury. However, the notion of healing “too much” has entered therapy-influenced discussions, particularly on platforms like TikTok. People claim, sometimes humorously, that they’ve “healed too much,” meaning they’ve done so much self-work after romantic setbacks that they now push potential partners away, fearing new relationships.
Healing Narratives on Social Media
TikTok users document their #healingjourney, with some claiming they now “don’t like anybody” or “have zero tolerance for jerks.” While avoiding toxic individuals is positive, this behavior can also become an unhelpful coping mechanism. The phrase “I’m in my healing era” is common now, reflecting a broader normalization of mental health conversations. According to the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America 2023 survey, 18 to 34-year-olds reported the highest rates of mental illnesses at 50%. Ogilvy’s 2022 report found 70% of Gen Z felt their mental health needed the most improvement.
Adrienne’s Healing Process
Adrienne engaged in various healing activities: reading self-help books, spending time with loved ones, exercising, attending church, solo traveling, meditating, journaling, and therapy. This intensive self-care helped her understand herself, make better choices, and find inner peace. However, she now fears that romance could disrupt her hard-won stability.
The Risks of Over-Healing
Shutting out new connections under the guise of healing can be counterproductive. Adrienne acknowledges that “healing too much is about self-preservation” and has led to “excessive emotional barriers.” She realizes her heart is more open than when she started her healing journey, but there is still a long way to go.
Harry’s Experience
Holden, 26, from San Diego, shares a similar sentiment. After toxic relationships and being cheated on, he now holds back in new relationships. This “healing too much” stance has led him to cut new romantic connections short. He avoids falling for someone, even when there is nothing wrong with them, preventing deeper relationships.
The Role of Risk in Healing
Dating, loving, and committing involve risks. Psychotherapist Tasha Bailey emphasizes that taking risks is part of the healing process. “Healing can be about taking risks but with a more informed approach,” she says. “We have better insight into our emotional needs and who can fulfill them.” Bailey believes healing is a lifelong journey with no end point, akin to a spiral staircase where we revisit the same points at different levels of awareness.
Embracing Vulnerability
The “healed too much” mindset often stems from a desire for independence and hesitancy to trust, which Caroline Plumer, psychotherapist and founder of CPPC London, sees as a “maladaptive behavior” for emotional safety. Avoiding emotional vulnerability can lead to attracting emotionally unavailable people, repeating negative patterns. True healing involves feeling and processing emotions. Sometimes, healing requires patience and allowing time to work its magic.
Letting Go of Complete Healing
To love again, it’s essential to let go of the idea that healing can be complete. As Bailey says, “We can’t perfect healing or put a deadline on it. We must give those parts time to breathe.” Embracing this mindset can open the door to new romantic possibilities and deeper connections.
References:
Refinery29 – https://www.refinery29.com/en-us
APA – https://www.apa.org/
CPPC London – https://cppclondon.com/
